TIME: Almanac 1993/TIME Almanac 1993.iso/time/031891/0318101.000

Text File | 1992-08-28 | 5.7 KB | 127 lines

                                                                                NATION, Page 27

And While You Were Gone . . .


    DEAR SOLDIER, It used to be that when you went to war, you
stayed away for years, and life went on, and you were left
behind. This war thumped loudly past, and is over. But we were
moving quickly too, even if no one really noticed, since all
the cameras and conversations were pointed in your direction.
Consider this a scrapbook of the moments we both missed.

    We made some discoveries. Scientists managed to produce a
perfect copy of the muscular dystrophy gene in mice. A study
by the American Bar Association found that white males get the
best car deals. Some biblical scholars concluded that Jesus
never said about 80% of the things the New Testament says he
said. A retired Wisconsin couple learned that the oil painting
that had hung in their living room for 30 years was a Van Gogh.
And it turns out that if you run about a mile and a half every
day, you get fewer head colds.

    Democracy skipped and stumbled and blustered along its
puzzling way. Nobody in Washington could think or talk of
anything except the war, but the states pursued their own
parochial obsessions. Tennessee lawmakers banned the release
of more than 24 nonbiodegradable balloons by any one person,
in order to keep bits of rubber from choking the fish. Ten
state senators in Washington proposed that the eastern part of
Washington be allowed to secede and form a new state called
Lincoln. "Lincoln was a great emancipator," said one of them,
"and we want emancipation from Seattle." The Colorado House
decided that you could be sued for making derogatory comments
about foods.

    The war didn't cause the recession, but it took most of the
blame. Thirty states are deep in debt and considering
everything from taxing incomes to taxing pretzels. Eastern
Airlines, Continental and Pan Am all filed for Chapter 11. In
January alone, 232,000 workers lost their jobs. In Minnesota
the Teacher of the Year for 1990 was laid off.

    Stamps now cost 29 cents.

    While your Patriots were knocking Scuds out of the sky, we
found some new toys of our own. Sanyo has a voice-operated
car-stereo system that will swap CDs or summon a radio traffic
report on command. Sharp has a new microwave with a built-in
blender that will mash potatoes while they cook. Fidelity
Electronics came out with a wristwatch that doubles as a
biological clock by telling you the best time of the month to
get pregnant. It sells for $59.95.

    The patent office ruled that a smell, like a name or symbol,
can be trademarked, which came as a relief to the makers of a
scented embroidery kit in the shape of a skunk.

    War abroad did not make us any more peaceful at home. A man
in New York City was acquitted after he cut up his girlfriend
for throwing him out of her apartment and served her stewed
finger to the homeless in Tompkins Square Park. The jury
decided he must have been crazy. Police in Florida hunted down
a roadside serial killer -- a 34-year-old blond who had signed
a movie deal for her story before the charges were even
brought. Westchester County, N.Y., is hosting the "Fatal
Attraction" trial, in which a besotted schoolteacher is charged
with murdering her lover's wife, and having a tryst with him
in a parking lot afterward.

    The folks at CNN became part of the family. But every now
and then we needed some relief, something sweet and harmless.
Bambi was the year's best-selling video, and the crowds at
Disney World fell off only slightly. The biggest star of the
season was a 10-year-old kid you never heard of, whose movie,
Home Alone, made studio heads cry -- especially the ones who
turned down the script. Gary died on thirtysomething, but Nancy
survived her cancer, and Bart Simpson passed all his courses.

    Vanna White got married, and so did Tom Cruise, Meg Ryan and
Dennis Quaid (those last two to each other). Jane Fonda and Ted
Turner are engaged. Danny Thomas and Margot Fonteyn died. James
Brown was paroled.

    Oprah, who was fat when you met her and thinner when you
left, is fat once more, and swears that she will never diet
again. Donald Trump used to be rich, but his emirate is
currently under siege by creditors.

    McDonald's now serves packets of raw carrot sticks.

    We still read the sports pages, but we tried to avoid war
imagery to describe third-down situations. Roger Clemens became
the first $5 million baseball player, and Pete Rose was barred
from the Hall of Fame. George Foreman will soon be fighting for
the heavyweight championship, and Sugar Ray Leonard has
retired. We think he means it this time.

    We may have buried the Vietnam-era mentality, but we have
resurrected its style: beehive hairdos are back, and Day-Glo
minis, and beads. It is now possible to spend $60 on a necktie
that displays the contents of a man's medicine chest or a
collage of bus transfers.

    You will find signs that you're returning to a different
country than the one you left in August: proud, resolute,
united and overwhelmed with national purpose. You will be
lavished with honors, medals and ribbons, streets named after
you, Desert Storm ice cream flavors. You who wrote to us of
your fears of coming home should not worry. No one will spit
on you. You will not be called baby killers, and we promise
that you will not grow old holding a sign in a subway station:
I'M A VETERAN. CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?

    There is much more, and you have some amazing stories to
tell. Put your feet up. We have all the time in the world.

    Welcome home.


By NANCY GIBBS and PRISCILLA PAINTON.